It's time to be a big girl now....

...and big girls don't cry.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnbBVWDtYm0
After a week outside of the warm Phoenix box, a week when lots of things happened, here I am, back, melting at 82 degrees, trying to convince myself that yes, I am responsible I acted responsibly for once in my life, I made the right decision and I will be rewared for it....
Evertyhing happened fast fast fast and preparing for the interview in Birmingham was almost a joke, like I did 8 years ago for the Dickinson College scholarship...but I won both teh scholarship and the job, with the difference that the first was THE golden opportunity which could not be missed while this secdon recent one was the one to miss to be a big girl, responsible ands serious...for this reason today, after a week of pros and cons notes, phone calls, advices from everywhere and everyone who matters in my life somehow, strategy to make the move the cats the rain work somehow, dreams about how my life in England could be, I made that phone call, thanking Mr. Clive for the opportunity but saying at the same time:" NO thank you"...am I already regretting it? Not completely, even though a part of me keeps asking questions which are totally ignored by the rest of the mind, because there would be way too many right and wrong answers at the same time and I don't really feel like playing this game over and over again....sometime it's time to be a big girl, this is my time and I have to deal with it...someone recently told me that there is no right decision, you make a decision and live with it, guess he was right....he, who was so thrilled about me having the interview, he who cleaned my shoes and picked my attire that same morning, he who smiled and encouraged me with some of the most beautiful words I heard in my life, he who sort of melted for a while on the platform of the train staton, turning around to wave his hand at my open wide smile, he who that same night changed abruptly his attitude and our relationship, because it was the real first time I felt that much hurt by him and I had that push to open my eyes and see that reality which I had conveniently hidden up to that point....I guess I should say Thank you anyway because with that behavior he made my responsible decision to stay in the desert instead of moving to the rain much easier, not having anyone waiting for me to be closer to him, on the contrary, having someone fairly disappointed about me getting that job...the book and movie "He is not that into you" applies perfectly to this situation, once I decidede to open my eyes, see it, recognize it and admit it...doesn't it hurt? Yes it does, as usual, but at least I am used to overestimate people and to always end up disappointed, so I can sort of deal with it a bit better, which is what I am trying to do...will he call? Byonce; would ask if there's any hope at all, but I don't go that far and just say that I will not, simply because I don't see the point in keeping searching for someone who clearly does not want to be found. If he does call, I would be happy pleased and my face would lit up as a Christmas tree, while our talking joking laughing game begins....
For the time being I have been a big responsible girl who did not cross the ocean to escape herself and her situation or to run after some guy not worth the effort (his own words), and for the time being I am still in Phoenix, looking for the next responsible way out, maybe going east...