Viva la Vida

I am 30 years old, just 30 years old, and I find myself forced to change the way I view the world and how to get what I have always dreamed of...
I come from a state of mind where honestly is the key and loyalty a must, where you don't shoot who does not have a gun and where there is a fun time to play and a time to be serious and mature.
In my state of mind things are fairly easy and pleasant, words and promises are kept, where white is always white, maybe dirty white but never black or navy blue, and where life is lovely fun bright and a pleasure to be lived, with all its challenges and difficulties, but never so hard to understand and make it work, never to constantly slapping me even when it's crystal clear that i don't deserve it, never so mean that I keep wondering why....
I used to think that mine was the right state of mind, that i should keep believeing in it and I would have gotten what i wanted the way I wanted it, or almost...but now, today, I am understanding at a high cost that in order to have better chances in getting what I dream for and hope for I have to change this state of mind, adjusting it to a modern time that does not belong to me but it will better start sinking into my brain soon....
I got to stop thinking that being nice honest loyal and caring is the key and I have to start behaving like a real bitch with whom does not show any kind of respect whatsoever - not sure I'll be able to do so but can at least try.
Gotta stop smiling and be polite when my primary instinct tells me to scream and send everyone to hell, and fast.
Gotta stop saying Pardon me? and I'm sorry since nobody ever bothers to say those words to me.
Gotta start acting like I don't care about anyone and anything, until someone actually show me they care about me, and deeply.
Guess it all starts with me starting loving myself more and better, like I was the most importanta thing on this planet, which in fact I believe I am.
Maybe that is the key more than loyalty honestly smiles and kindness.
Maybe it all starts from ther, if only I was able to do that.....