Degree of separation

Lesson #1: trying to separate completely mind from body, soul from skin and flesh.
What makes me happy outside by touching kissing feeling might noe make me happy inside, in my soul, my feelings, my whole as an adult woman...actually might is not correct, DOES NOT make me happy in 98% of cases and since that 2% has not shown up yet, I guess I have to desperately learn how to separate these two entities, which being so different have different needs requests and expectations....
Today I cannot separate them and I'm still wondering, not hurting, that is too much, but surely thinking and wondering a lot about all the chaos I voluntarily attract to my circle and all the good that I might let pass by because of this attraction to chaos.
My mom tells me that I deserve more, therefore I should pretend more, but my self-destructive brain and wires do not get it and keep leading to paths that we all know will for sure hurt me or leave me shocked for a while...what can I do to fix it? I seriously don't have a clue, and as for all my life, I guess I am hoping to get that sign from somewhere to indicate me the right road to take and blindly follow...My wise mom suggests:"Stringi i denti e vai avanti", but I honestly don't know that I can do it any longer...A VIVERE SENZA CHE NESSUNO TI VOGLIA BENE SI DIVENTA CATTIVI told me my best friend ever so many years ago...I have people that love me for sure but living day after day knowing too well that there is nobody out there that loves me a bit more, in a bit more special and unique way, sometimes hurts like crazy, and I cheat on myself pretending that that guy might fill my loneliness and hunger for love and affection, when I know too well from the beginning that it's not going to happen and maybe he will be able to fill only some missing part of my living routine....
I feel lost again, with the difficulties of the company situation to face and this endless loneliness haunting me down again and again and again...there must be some light at the end the tunnel, will I see it at some point soon?Will I ever be able to love myself above anything else and stop hurting myself continuosly and endlessly?!I keep wondering....