Getting it.....

I am finally getting it, the complete picture of the situation which I avoided to realize and understand until now.....clear and unfolded in front of my eyes despite all my efforts to hide it and not see it...IT IS THERE, I am done and there is definitely nothing more I can do about it.
I just have to let it sink in and move on, which it shouldn't be difficult given the short lenght of our situation....but nonetheless it hurts because this iks not the kind of behavior I would have expected from a man like him, and here I am ahgain confronting it, the immature, selfish and coward guy who does not like and want to talk or explain and it just disappears, from night to morning, as if it was normal and totally understandable...of course it is, what are we supposed to do?!?We understand because we have no other choice, but what we understand is simply what we create in our own minds as an explanation for their behavior, it is not the real explanation to it and to why they did that, we will navere have it, this is one sure thing I have learned so far in this messy world of relationships and "situations".....
But before getting it completely I decided to cover myself with mud, just to make sure I did not leave anything untried...so I called, forgetting the ultimate rule of man-woman relationship: if he wants, he is the one calling, we don not have to chase him around the world....but I did, because I am stubborn and have to do what I feel like, I am one of the "Naturals" Mr. Carter talks about in his precious book which I of course did not read, and so I dialed that number and as expected I had to deal with that cold and unpersonal answering machine, uncertain to which kind of message to leave to say all I wanted to say in my smily cool and easy way...well, I did and now I am dealing with my mute phone, but I guess that was expected as well...at least I did what I felt like doing to get myself unstuck from this awkard situation I jumped in, at least I know I have made all the efforts I could to make it happen and work, at least I showed him I cared, as if he cared that I care (it is always the same story, we never do the right thing...if we are too sweet then they feel suffocated, if we are too distant they feel unconsidered...go figure!!!). Now I have to set my mind on the next stage, the getting it, letting it sinking in and then closing than chapter and putting it in the back of my mind as a memory....free my mind, digest the new not so nice surprise, think about going to Bologna, end this way too weird 2008 and MOVE ON, by starting a wonderful joyful positive and happy 2009.....listening to "Details in the fabric" should help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on3wACdPjZI even though this entire plan I perfectly laid out for my near future life has a small yet annoying flaw: a customized HJE RL polo which I can't return and which I don 't know where to put and what to do with....I guess this is another issue I will deal with another time, when the grey green eyes in the back of my mind will be just a nice memory to smile at...
Right now I am in the positive attitude and mode, and I try to put my signature smile on my face and repeat to myself what I was told by one of my girlfriends:"It means there is someone better for you out there", even if I have been repeating it every time a "situation" ends and I don't know how true or efficient this is....I can't say how long this "up mood" will last, but I am looking forward to flying home, to see my friends, to hug and be hugged by them, to laugh with Jenny and Carlotta for New Year's and to remind myself that some good great things and relationships never change, no matter what....until then, my heart will keep speeding up and pounding every time a phone rings and the voice on the other side is not the one with that accent, and if my mood mode changes, I will do what Pegi suggested: "sweetheart! be positive! I know its hard and I will think of you when I need to feel more positive here is dark cold norway! sing a christmas song, sing it loud for all to hear!" - after all I have always loved to sing, whatever song, it does not matter...and for the time being "A Beautiful Mess" seems still pretty current...
"Fra gli errori ci sono quelli che puzzano di fogna e quelli che odorano di bucato"
Keep on bringing it on my dear...