9/11/2010

2001 to 2010...in ten years we can really say that the world has changed, totally, completely, upside down....
Ad while the world, and especially the world on this part of the earth, remembers and mourns this sad tragic and desperate date of nine years ago, I am about to finish the paperwork which will help me to get my visa renewed, granting me other 5 years in America....while words try to come out of my mind down to the pen and the paper, I cannot help thinking if America is really what I want...or if it is just what I know and I am used to as an adult...I cannot find the approriate/right answer to this question so I keep following the traced path, as a robot, in order not to stop and think that America might not be what I want....Italy/Europe might be what I want, what I have dreamed of, what I have been looking for....9 years have passed, the girl running around with a bunch of international students at Dickinson College has become the woman running around with a bunch of different people in the capital of the desert, the woman that i now super tired of running around and would like to stop, rest, settle down and relax..."It was all that I wanted and I'm leaving without"....sounds really familiar as a quotation...9 years have passed and my life has very well changed, evolved, matured, I lost people and gained new ones, I closed some parts of my life in a drawer not been opened in a while and aquired new knowlegde, new perspectives and new emotions...my life is unfolding well, at least this is what everyone around me keeps saying, but if I truly want to answer Heidi's question:"Are you living the life you wanted/expected?", the deepest parts of my heart scream NO, without a doubt....the 2nd part of her answer was:"What will it take for you to do so?"....something that I cannot have, cannot buy, cannot push, something that either comes or it doesn't, something that you cannot work for but only pray for, something that nobosy knows what it takes to happen, but obviously it takes something that I lack, even despite all my qualities...It was all that I wanted, now I;m leaving without.... ]I don't really feel like mourning today, or maybe I do but for a totally different reason...I mourn for the loss of that careless running gilr, her life like a blank sheet open around her, her smile brighter than a ray of summer sunshine...I mourn her trasformation into this woman constantly unhappy and unease, unbalanced and ungrateful, a woman who's niether here nor there and tries to fill her life with a bunch of cool, useful crap to avoid recognizing that at the end, no, she does not have what it takes to make her happy, no matter how much she runs, helps other, pretends.....this is my 9/11/2010 mourning to the world, or maybe just to myself....