Today I was reading an interview to such and such and this person said to the journalist:"Try to be in love if you can - it makes you happy and radiant".
Thank you for the tip, I wouldn't have guessed so....of course having someone to love and who possibly and hopefully loves us back makes us be more beautiful less bitchy nicer friendlier and just better people, but what if right in this moment you can't be in love? maybe you are tired and worn out of being in love, maybe you are constantly in love and you get constantly burnt, maybe you just don't have anyone who you think deserves your love right now, so what? Should you (me first of all because who I thought deserved it apparently not only doesn't but doesn't even want it, so back to square 1) prevent yourself from being radiant and happy? I don't think so...so in this beautiful sunny day in Arizona I decided to be in love with someone or something everyday, even if it's just for that one day...for this reason I started thinking about all the things I am actually in love with at the moment, which seem to be quite a lot: golfing, the sun and the warm weather while in italy it's still freezing, the idea of a tango trip in BA, the idea of a beach trip in cabos wiht a bunch of crazy girls like me, the idea of losing thoise few extra pounds, the fact that in a while I will be 30 and the worry about turning 30 will be finally over, my curls which look more beautiful than ever, the fact that my business is still standing and doing ok while the economy is not so good, a friend who thanks me for existing, the giaduja jar I brought back from Italy, the new shoes I bought in Italy, my resolution of cleaning my closet for real and deeply, the idea of that tiny tiny pink netbook, the fact that if I close my eyes meaning it I know I have tons of road open in front of me to choose from, going for sushi and drinks with some girlfriends tonight, talking to Jenny on the phone and breathing that London air through the phone...and having been able to get by for the entire week without thinking too much too deeply and too cryingly about that guy that supposedly will call soon....I guess this is a very good thing for me to be in love with on this first Saturday back in Phoenix, baby Tango steps towards the next things life will present me with...
sabato 28 febbraio 2009
mercoledì 25 febbraio 2009
It's time to be a big girl now....
...and big girls don't cry.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnbBVWDtYm0
After a week outside of the warm Phoenix box, a week when lots of things happened, here I am, back, melting at 82 degrees, trying to convince myself that yes, I am responsible I acted responsibly for once in my life, I made the right decision and I will be rewared for it....
Evertyhing happened fast fast fast and preparing for the interview in Birmingham was almost a joke, like I did 8 years ago for the Dickinson College scholarship...but I won both teh scholarship and the job, with the difference that the first was THE golden opportunity which could not be missed while this secdon recent one was the one to miss to be a big girl, responsible ands serious...for this reason today, after a week of pros and cons notes, phone calls, advices from everywhere and everyone who matters in my life somehow, strategy to make the move the cats the rain work somehow, dreams about how my life in England could be, I made that phone call, thanking Mr. Clive for the opportunity but saying at the same time:" NO thank you"...am I already regretting it? Not completely, even though a part of me keeps asking questions which are totally ignored by the rest of the mind, because there would be way too many right and wrong answers at the same time and I don't really feel like playing this game over and over again....sometime it's time to be a big girl, this is my time and I have to deal with it...someone recently told me that there is no right decision, you make a decision and live with it, guess he was right....he, who was so thrilled about me having the interview, he who cleaned my shoes and picked my attire that same morning, he who smiled and encouraged me with some of the most beautiful words I heard in my life, he who sort of melted for a while on the platform of the train staton, turning around to wave his hand at my open wide smile, he who that same night changed abruptly his attitude and our relationship, because it was the real first time I felt that much hurt by him and I had that push to open my eyes and see that reality which I had conveniently hidden up to that point....I guess I should say Thank you anyway because with that behavior he made my responsible decision to stay in the desert instead of moving to the rain much easier, not having anyone waiting for me to be closer to him, on the contrary, having someone fairly disappointed about me getting that job...the book and movie "He is not that into you" applies perfectly to this situation, once I decidede to open my eyes, see it, recognize it and admit it...doesn't it hurt? Yes it does, as usual, but at least I am used to overestimate people and to always end up disappointed, so I can sort of deal with it a bit better, which is what I am trying to do...will he call? Byonce; would ask if there's any hope at all, but I don't go that far and just say that I will not, simply because I don't see the point in keeping searching for someone who clearly does not want to be found. If he does call, I would be happy pleased and my face would lit up as a Christmas tree, while our talking joking laughing game begins....
For the time being I have been a big responsible girl who did not cross the ocean to escape herself and her situation or to run after some guy not worth the effort (his own words), and for the time being I am still in Phoenix, looking for the next responsible way out, maybe going east...
After a week outside of the warm Phoenix box, a week when lots of things happened, here I am, back, melting at 82 degrees, trying to convince myself that yes, I am responsible I acted responsibly for once in my life, I made the right decision and I will be rewared for it....
Evertyhing happened fast fast fast and preparing for the interview in Birmingham was almost a joke, like I did 8 years ago for the Dickinson College scholarship...but I won both teh scholarship and the job, with the difference that the first was THE golden opportunity which could not be missed while this secdon recent one was the one to miss to be a big girl, responsible ands serious...for this reason today, after a week of pros and cons notes, phone calls, advices from everywhere and everyone who matters in my life somehow, strategy to make the move the cats the rain work somehow, dreams about how my life in England could be, I made that phone call, thanking Mr. Clive for the opportunity but saying at the same time:" NO thank you"...am I already regretting it? Not completely, even though a part of me keeps asking questions which are totally ignored by the rest of the mind, because there would be way too many right and wrong answers at the same time and I don't really feel like playing this game over and over again....sometime it's time to be a big girl, this is my time and I have to deal with it...someone recently told me that there is no right decision, you make a decision and live with it, guess he was right....he, who was so thrilled about me having the interview, he who cleaned my shoes and picked my attire that same morning, he who smiled and encouraged me with some of the most beautiful words I heard in my life, he who sort of melted for a while on the platform of the train staton, turning around to wave his hand at my open wide smile, he who that same night changed abruptly his attitude and our relationship, because it was the real first time I felt that much hurt by him and I had that push to open my eyes and see that reality which I had conveniently hidden up to that point....I guess I should say Thank you anyway because with that behavior he made my responsible decision to stay in the desert instead of moving to the rain much easier, not having anyone waiting for me to be closer to him, on the contrary, having someone fairly disappointed about me getting that job...the book and movie "He is not that into you" applies perfectly to this situation, once I decidede to open my eyes, see it, recognize it and admit it...doesn't it hurt? Yes it does, as usual, but at least I am used to overestimate people and to always end up disappointed, so I can sort of deal with it a bit better, which is what I am trying to do...will he call? Byonce; would ask if there's any hope at all, but I don't go that far and just say that I will not, simply because I don't see the point in keeping searching for someone who clearly does not want to be found. If he does call, I would be happy pleased and my face would lit up as a Christmas tree, while our talking joking laughing game begins....
For the time being I have been a big responsible girl who did not cross the ocean to escape herself and her situation or to run after some guy not worth the effort (his own words), and for the time being I am still in Phoenix, looking for the next responsible way out, maybe going east...
mercoledì 4 febbraio 2009
H...for Houdini
....because he can re-appear when I least expect it and as much as it drives me nuts some times, I love it other times, when I open my phone and find a text which I was not expecting or dreaming of...kind of nice I guess, especially at 8.30am on a normal boring Wednesday morning when I would have chosen my bed and comforter over getting up to go to work...well, you gotta do what you gotta do...
But all becomes less heavy and more bearable with a short yet nice phone call to the Devonshire, just to say Good Morning and to talk joke laugh a bit, waiting for the longer weekend talk...I am smiling when I hang up the phone, ready to fly to the office trying to make the most out of this day which has already started with the right foot....the only doubt that stays with me for a while is if he got upset 'cause of my brilliant idea of extending my stay with him in two weeks, totally not my intention..they tell you over and over again that you have to dream big, that cats go with the assumption that it does not harm to ask for what you want, and I am just a very good listener so I did ask for what I want, not pushing crying or convincing him, just saying what I want...of course it takes two people so we will see and anyway it will be good great amazing...so excited just thinking about it and no, he is not upset, why should he be anyway?
And I will find the way to you if it kills me....
But all becomes less heavy and more bearable with a short yet nice phone call to the Devonshire, just to say Good Morning and to talk joke laugh a bit, waiting for the longer weekend talk...I am smiling when I hang up the phone, ready to fly to the office trying to make the most out of this day which has already started with the right foot....the only doubt that stays with me for a while is if he got upset 'cause of my brilliant idea of extending my stay with him in two weeks, totally not my intention..they tell you over and over again that you have to dream big, that cats go with the assumption that it does not harm to ask for what you want, and I am just a very good listener so I did ask for what I want, not pushing crying or convincing him, just saying what I want...of course it takes two people so we will see and anyway it will be good great amazing...so excited just thinking about it and no, he is not upset, why should he be anyway?
And I will find the way to you if it kills me....
Iscriviti a:
Post (Atom)
